I shouldn’t really call you Bean, I shouldn’t really call you anything. It’s far too familiar. Far too connected to you. You shouldn’t even be you. If I start to think of you as a you this will be so much harder than it already is. But shoulds and shouldn’ts are too late to consider now. Thinking of them would just remind me that I should have listened to my mother more. I shouldn’t have been so stupid as to let you get in there. I should have looked after myself better.
The only thing I have to say right now is that I am genuinely sorrier for this whole situation than you could ever imagine Bean. Through sheer stupidity and lack of thinking I have created you and now I have to un-create you. They say it’s a painless procedure for you and I have to keep that thought. If I was to think anything different it would destroy me.
People will no doubt think me cold-blooded and cruel to write you a letter the day you are to be taken from this world. I really don’t know why I am either, it just feels right somehow to at least acknowledge you. It feels very wrong too but I have to face my demons and you are unfortunately my biggest demon of all. Harmless as you are right now if I allowed you to come into this world you would extinguish all sense of me I have.
They say that you’re no bigger than a baked bean right now. Does that mean you have no arms and legs or just that they’re really really small? I have no idea how it works, only that I don’t want it to.
I am completely and utterly devastated that my selfishness has brought this point to be and I will live with the guilt forever but you have to understand I would be the worst for you. I have a terrible temper. I can’t cook. I can’t clean. I wouldn’t be able to take care of you the way you need and most of all I don’t think I could love you like I’m supposed to. That’s the hardest thing of all to admit. I don’t think that I could love you. It’s the taboo that is still unspoken, not being able to love one of your own but it’s a knowledge I have to confess.
When my time comes and I have to stand before the judgement I hope that whoever decides my fate realises that although this appears to be the most horrible path to take it was actually a kindness I did you. You will never feel the pain of a fall or know the feeling of rejection. You will never have to choose between loves or know how it feels to sacrifice something you want.
You won’t be alone, I’ll be right there with you the whole time. Part of me wishes I could hold your hand but I know that can’t be. I have to go through with this to both release you from and bind you to an inevitable tragedy.
You have been with me for 3 weeks now and it’s getting too long. If I don’t do this now I may never do it at all and that would be a devastation for both of us that I cannot express to you enough. You would come to resent me for giving you life and I would come to resent you for taking it away. It’s a vicious circle that has to be broken and only I can do that.
The nurse is here now to take me – us down to theatre. I’m scared and sorry but mostly just very very sad.